GOODNIGHT 2006 GOOD MORNING 2007 New Years Disclaimers December,31, was the last day of 2006. Perhaps you heard. One can not say it was an uneventful year. One can be done with it all the same. Bring on those resolutions that you probably never keep. Especially the ones about losing weight, quitting smoking, tobacco and of course being more understanding of you spouse. How do most people come to these epiphanies? They drink themselves into a stupor and the next day while suffering with their hangovers, they swear that they will change their lives once and for all by eliminating all of the bad behaviors that they have been collecting throughout their lives. Fast forward a couple of weeks and we find most people back on track with all the same behaviors that made them the miserable creatures that they have become. I, on the other hand have solved these problems over the past few years. Here’s how. With total understanding that my will and ability to conform myself into a more acceptable person, one that might be loved, admired, and even respected, I have made some New Years resolutions that I can actually achieve without having to reproach myself in the days, weeks, years and hopefully many decades to come.
1. I will give up smoking and drinking, weather permitting.
2. I will watch my diet in order to lower my cholesterol as soon as products with animal fats are removed from the shelves at the supermarket.
3. I will respect my spouse, Whosits, if I can remember to do so.
4. In order to become a better ecologist I will only drive my car on Sunday so that I will not have to feel guilty about polluting the atmosphere for my darling children, I never could find their real parents, or the mealy mouthed, no necked brats of my neighbors.
5. The other six days of the week, I will make the sacrifice of calling a Taxi.
6. I will not say disparaging things about people I barely know, if they are present.
7. I will not say disparaging things about people I am intimate with, in public, unless I can remember their names, or if it seems appropriate to refer to them as Hun or Babe.
8. I will vow to use only politically correct language when in the presence of that fucking moron, President George W. What’s his name, or his do ill or nothing at all members of the cabinet.
9. I will never have unprotected or illicit sex, unless invited to do so with a member of the clergy. They are everywhere and usually prefer to be referred to as Babe.
That should do it for at least one more year
1. I will give up smoking and drinking, weather permitting.
2. I will watch my diet in order to lower my cholesterol as soon as products with animal fats are removed from the shelves at the supermarket.
3. I will respect my spouse, Whosits, if I can remember to do so.
4. In order to become a better ecologist I will only drive my car on Sunday so that I will not have to feel guilty about polluting the atmosphere for my darling children, I never could find their real parents, or the mealy mouthed, no necked brats of my neighbors.
5. The other six days of the week, I will make the sacrifice of calling a Taxi.
6. I will not say disparaging things about people I barely know, if they are present.
7. I will not say disparaging things about people I am intimate with, in public, unless I can remember their names, or if it seems appropriate to refer to them as Hun or Babe.
8. I will vow to use only politically correct language when in the presence of that fucking moron, President George W. What’s his name, or his do ill or nothing at all members of the cabinet.
9. I will never have unprotected or illicit sex, unless invited to do so with a member of the clergy. They are everywhere and usually prefer to be referred to as Babe.
That should do it for at least one more year
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